Divided We Fail

I have been so lucky to have lived in different parts of the world. However, the United States is where I have spent 30 years of my life. That actually feels kind of weird to say. My family all live in Norway, where I have spent a total of 11 years of my life at two different times in my life. Other than that, I have lived in Singapore and Belgium. Anyway, my point is that I have experienced different cultures and atmospheres. Even in my 30 years in this country across a few different states, I have never seen this country as divided as it is today. It feels as if that division continues to grow deeper every day.

We have all lived through different experiences and different upbringings. All these contribute to who we are today, creating a map that only we truly know. Have you ever noticed that when you share something with a friend or acquaintance, they tend to add their own experiences, thoughts and ideas to whatever it is that you’re sharing? This is their way of relating and connecting, and technically their intent is usually good. Don’t get me wrong, there are also those people who make everything about them, but that’s not what I am referring to with this. Generally, we are all victims in some ways of our programming. We are so certain in our experiences that we think that our experiences should be the same as others. We believe that if someone experiences something similar to us, we must feel the same way about it. We continually fail to recognize someone else’s experience, someone else’s map. This will ultimately be our downfall!

I know, this sounds very dramatic, but hear me out. I think we can all agree that we all have our own opinions, experiences, stories, thoughts, and feelings. We have these because of everything that has created who we are today. This is our realities, and there is nothing wrong with them. However, we fail to recognize that others have that same privilege. Instead of listening to their experience, their story, their thoughts, their feelings, and attempting to get on their map, we instead stay on our map, failing to recognize their reality.

Let’s see if I can come up with an example that isn’t too political. I have working in a county jail for close to 10 years. In that time, I have met so many inmates with different experiences and their stories were often devastating. Now, while I believe that this is an amazing country, and that regardless of the circumstances, a person can achieve anything here, I fail everyone if I choose to judge someone because they ended up in jail and didn’t live up to their higher dreams and goals. If I don’t listen, truly listen, and attempt to get on their map, I will never meet them the way they deserve to be met. I remember asking an inmate once… “hey… when you were a little girl, what did you want to be?” She looked at me and said “Ms. H. All I ever wanted to do was hustle, play the game. There was never any other dreams or goals for me”. I remember my heart breaking for her, because I thought she deserved so much better. However, for her, that is what she had seen her whole life. Her mom taught her how to shoot up at 13 years old. Once, she was stabbed in her stomach multiple times with her own ice pick, when her John didn’t pay her enough. By the way, my belief is based in my upbringing. I can still hear my parents talk about the United States and that anyone can become anything here. That however is my parents, my upbringing, my experience. It is not the same as that inmates’ experience. Instead of holding that inmate to my standards based on my experience, it is ultimately my duty to listen and acknowledge her story, her experience, and her map, at least if I ever want to try to understand anything about her.

We see this every day. We look for things, news, articles, data, that supports our points of view, our experiences, our maps. In fact, we quote that data to argue and speak up for our beliefs, and often with passion and gusto. However, people on the other side of that argument undoubtedly do the same thing, argue their points with different data which support their experiences. Ultimately, if we respect everyone equally, their experiences, their maps, their reality, they are not wrong, regardless of which side of the equation they fall. What is the solution here? What can we do if everyone is right? Well, if we acknowledge the differences, and attempt to actually understand the experience of others, if we meet them with open curiosity, if we meet them without judgement, then maybe, we can ultimately find middle ground. We can start to build bridges. We can stop being so angry and feel so divided. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could all live our best lives together as opposed to angry lives separated?

I pledge to meet up every day, without judgement, but with an open mind and an open heart so we can move forward together!!